Bipolar Disorder & Schizophrenia
Medical Illustration By Donna Massa 2010
Bipolar disorder with Schizophrenia was the diagnosis of my dearest late girlfriend Joan. Our friendship spanned over decades of thirty-five years. I was her only close girlfriend who unconditionally accepted her illnesses when so many others could not,
Joan was partially diagnosed at age fifteen as Manic with suicidal tendencies. It wasn’t until much later did they determine the real diagnosis as Bipolar Disorder. The medications she was asked to take were a blend of psychotic drugs to control high anxiety and depression. If anyone has dealt with this type of disorder one knows the individual experiences dualities of extreme highs and lows with mood swings. The highs are euphoric with intense bouts of excitement and happiness like adrenaline bubbling through their veins however, the down side are the very lows by which the individual sinks to a level of paranoia, panic, hysteria, physically destructive, disoriented, hallucinogenic, introverted or extroverted thoughts of suicide, and deep depression. In Joans case besides an anti anxiety and depressant she was given the drug Lithium. Lithium is just one of the drugs offered for the control of Bipolar Disorder however with it comes numerous side affects that in itself are difficult to live with.
One of the first issues that I noticed with my Joan was her inability to stay on the medications given. She loved those highs and wanted to be in that state of mind all the time! Also, after being on the medication for awhile this brings a sense of calmness and balance that tricks the brain into thinking I’m ok, I’m doing well and better each day! In turn they make the sudden decision to come off the meds. Unfortunately the symptoms slowly return and each time this happens it sets them back ten fold and labeled high risk. This up and down roller coaster ride of on and off the meds can go on for years. In Joans case this is what happened and I sensed every time she was doing it! She would like to call me and talk for hours and the first thing you never do is make them feel they are a burden and you don’t have time for them. The best thing to do is just listen and interject when you can, never interrupt as they are quick to anger.
Joan was a classically trained ballet dancer and studied at Boston Conservatory of Music in Boston, MA. She also was a poet, a model, intuitive, clairvoyant, loved to write and enjoyed many genre’s of music. She was absolutely beautiful, with long thick golden blond hair, green eyes, perfect figure and stood 5’8” tall. There wasn’t a place we could go in our teens, twenty’s and thirty’s when Joan was the focal point of attention. However, Joan did not care to be the center of attraction, she was not flirtatious, and desired to be left alone she handled herself well with diplomacy like a lady.
As Joan got older living on the Lithium took its toll on her and she experienced weight gain, dry skin, problems with her teeth, skin boils, and a feeling of being lethargic and inactive. She accepted taking her medications and went in for bi-annual checkups to measure her Lithium levels. I would go and visit her as her desire to go out in public became an effort and she was extremely self conscious of her body.
I asked my Joan one time what it was like living with these disorders and she said “it’s like pistons in an engine. And all the pistons but one stops firing up causing confusion and everything after that just falls apart.”
I sort of knew what she was describing, however as the on looker watching these disorders slowly take her away from me I intrinsically sensed her brain and thought patterns were never normal. She didn’t understand any other way to think, she was so young when these symptoms started surfacing. When she was diagnosed by three different doctors during her life she would reject the diagnosis and state they don’t really know anything, and they don’t understand me. She would see a therapist for only so long and grow tired of the whole process.
Joans sudden and tragic passing occurred in the month of September 2010. I could not reach her for a few days thinking she was either resting or out for a walk, she did not have an answering service, cell phone or a computer. She did have a telephone and a TV from which she watched her daily soap operas, and classic films without fail. If I had to compare her to a classic Hollywood actress I would say Veronica Lake. If I had to compare her to any other person I could not. Joan was a unique artistic woman who came into this world under adverse circumstances, completely misunderstood. I loved her with all my heart and when she unexpectedly left this world she took a piece of my soul with her. I will never forget this angel who gave so much unconditional love to those she loved. Her loyality and devotion was a sisterly love I had never experienced even though I had a sister. She never gossiped or talked behind another persons back, she always saw two sides of the story, extremely forgiving, and never sat in judgement.
There is no need to describe this illustration it speaks for itself. Those of you who know someone dear to you who suffers with mental illnesses understands what I’m conveying in this illustration and for those who don’t just use your imagination… 💕
In Memory of my Joan. November 10, 1953 - September 10, 2010
